Full Disclosure
by Silk215
Summary: Kalinda & Cary have been dancing around their obvious attraction for some time. Now they find themselves on the brink of something wonderful but not without a few hurdles in their path.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Cary Agos cut a studious figure as he stood looking out of the window. _His_ window. It had taken four years but finally he had the recognition he worked so hard to achieve and one of the great consequences of that, where Lockhart Gardner was concerned, was a big office with a window overlooking the city.

Slowly but surely Cary's reputation as a top criminal defense attorney was growing and since he had the added benefit of having inside intelligence on the opposition's way of thinking thanks to his stint in the SA's office, he was a winning force in the courtroom – a small fact that the partners at his firm did not overlook and in fact, reveled in. They often called on Cary to weigh in on big criminal cases, as much for his intel on what the State's Attorney's office would be strategizing as for his capabilities. He was okay with being used this way because with each criminal defense case won, Cary's skills as a sharp shooting attorney were being proven and the partners were noticing.

Today marked another such victory in Camp Agos. He had just gotten a call to say his client's release had been finalized. While Cary was taking in the city skyline from his cozy office, Abel Cook was at home where his girlfriend was most likely introducing him to his three-week-old daughter for the first time.

"Am I interrupting?" A smoky voice drifted into his reverie, the familiarity of which made Cary turn to face the speaker at his office door and the slight upturned corners of his lips immediately broke into a full and unabashed smile.

"Never," was his gentle and sincere response.

If Cary thought his day could not get any better, he was proven wrong by the appearance of Kalinda Sharma at his door. The smile he offered her was returned as she slowly walked around to where he stood, stopping short of rubbing up against him. Kalinda liked to push boundaries, he knew that, and Cary also knew that he was well-equipped to play her game. That is why, although her intention was to intimidate him with her close proximity, the young associate made no moves to back away. Instead, he stood rooted to the spot and shamelessly held her gaze.

"Heard anything yet?" she asked and even though the topic of discussion was arbitrary at best, she was referring to Abel's release, Kalinda had a unique knack for making everything she said sound seductive.

It happened whenever she dropped her voice to that specific lower tenor and her words were spoken with that slow, deliberate Sharma-drawl, like she was weaving an intricate web of Kalinda magic that would entice the most stubborn of prey to live and die by her very breath. The effect was instant for Cary, who tried his best to hide the fact that his heart had started a slow, rhythmic pounding like a sledge hammer attached to a giant metronome and there was that signature warmth of the most primal sense of arousal flaring through his veins like a slow lake of lava born out of the belly of a raging volcano.

"I just got the call," his tone was measured and contained, careful not to betray the innermost awakening of his desires. "Abel Cook was released a half hour ago."

"Congratulations," was her simple response, although Kalinda knew the amount of work it had taken to get a win. Even she had had her doubts at one point.

"I couldn't have done it without you." Cary's words now matched her low, slow delivery, a trick he learned worked well with Kalinda. It showed that instead of being intimidated, he was rising up as her equal.

"Most things around here couldn't be done without me," she retorted without missing a beat and the heavy sexual tension that had been slowly building up in the minimal space between the two friends dissipated a bit as they both gave in to laughter.

With the atmosphere lightened, Cary stepped back, the enchanting night skyline outside his window now a long forgotten memory that had been replaced by an enchantment of a more human kind. He surveyed Kalinda contemplatively with his arms folded across his chest. She was a puzzle he just could not piece; for all his years as a self-confessed intellectual, Kalinda Sharma was the one thing that stumped Cary at every turn.

"I thought you'd be celebrating."

"I was," he said, nodding his head at the window that framed their silhouettes in the darkness.

"Ah, your window," she said with a knowing smile. "And here I was thinking I could tear you away from it for a few hours to get a drink." The way she said it, made her words hang in the air between them as neither a statement nor question but heavily loaded with a promise of things neither celebratory nor alcoholic, but rather of a more primordial nature.

The hint was not lost on Cary, who immediately felt his insides tighten at the prospect. It would not be the first time that he gave in to the sexy investigator's charms and the last time it happened, he had a sneaking sense that it wouldn't be the last either. What he hadn't assumed was that the next first move would be coming from her. Kalinda was usually the one being pursued; having full control over which candidates would be successful in winning her favor.

It seemed to Cary that he must have made a lasting impression but even though he wasn't the one seeking out her company, he felt that Kalinda still held all the power. Despite having no hoops to jump through to make it into her good graces, the control was hers for the mere fact that the thought of saying no to Kalinda simply didn't exist in Cary's realm of reasoning.

"I guess I'm not really in the mood for company," he replied honestly.

It had been a long week and the case had left Cary drained. He would have been happy to stand at his window by himself all night. That is, until Kalinda showed up. Now his mind was toying with the possibility of sharing his solitude.

"Do you want me to go?" Her voice was softer now, not really in volume but in tone.

His response had clearly caught Kalinda off guard; she wasn't used to being pushed aside and couldn't hide her disappointment before the question had left her lips. She wasn't quite sure what she was disappointed about – not going for drinks or that Cary didn't want to spend time with her. The idea of the latter being at all true stirred a sense of trepidation within her that Kalinda fought to settle back down. That she had come to care for the man in front of her was never part of the plan. There had been a mutual attraction right from the start but she had been very careful because she knew where it might lead.

Cary Agos was not the kind of man who would be satisfied with a no-strings arrangement. He was the man who fell in love. He was also the man who was so damn easy to fall in love with. Cue the red flags. Kalinda knew that she would have to keep her distance and she was prepared to fight him off with a fishing pole if necessary. However, their dalliance of a few nights ago left her feeling… wanting… more – woke the sleeping dragon, so to speak and now she found herself wanting more of his companionship instead of fighting him off, as she first assumed would be the case.

"That's not what I meant," his voice was barely above a whisper but it was enough to break into her runaway thoughts and bring her back to the moment. "I just don't feel up for a social thing where-"

"Do you want me to go?" Kalinda repeated the question but Cary could hear a distinct change in her tone.

He could feel the walls going back up; she was closing off again and it was his fault. He had almost forgotten how easy it was, how the simplest thing could send Kalinda recoiling into her fortress that she so diligently nurtured.

"You're mad," he said eventually, shifting a little on his feet and burying his hands deep in his pockets, afraid they might fight against his restraint and make a move to touch her.

"I'm not anything." Yes, her tone was a lot colder now. "I just asked you a question that you don't want to answer for some reason."

"Kalinda-"

"Whatever Cary, I'll see you tomorrow. Enjoy your window," she said dismissively and turned to leave.

"Kalinda, wait," he said and his hands were on her shoulders before he even realized that his pockets no longer held them captive. She froze under his touch and slowly turned to face him.

Her deep, dark eyes searched his face and Cary knew that if he didn't do or say the right thing in that moment, she would be out his door. Kalinda's features were schooled in that infuriating way she had that didn't give any hints as to what she was thinking or feeling and he decided that his best option would be to just turn down the volume of his over-analyzing brain so that he could better hear what it was he really wanted.

It started by his hands dropping from her shoulders to hang by his sides. Cary immediately missed the warmth that they had just held in the shape of her body and took a step closer to her. It was a timid move, made to see whether she would accept his advance or retreat further into her fortress. Kalinda didn't move. A slight smile played at the corners of his lips as he acknowledged her silent permission for him to continue and Cary lifted a hand to slowly let his fingers loop inside one of the pockets on her snug leather jacket. He pulled her into him then, the motion forcing her to take two more steps to close what was left of the distance between them. Still, there was no protest made on her part.

Her gaze kept his in its fiery hold and Cary was sure that the heat he saw in her eyes was poring through her skin and snaking its way into him because it suddenly felt as though his blood had curdled into fire and it was hard to breathe. He noticed the change in her too as he could now feel the rise and fall of her chest against his with each breath she took. Slipping his fingers from her pocket, he let them wonder beneath the waistline of the jacket until his hand rested on her hip with such ease it was as if that had been the sole reason for its creation.

With his free hand he moved to tilt her chin until her mouth was just beneath his as he bent his head close to hers, lips tingling with anticipation. Kalinda's breath came warm and steady on his mouth, leaving Cary's brain unable to process any thought in that moment besides the one that involved his lips on hers.

"We're not alone," her voice was hoarse with arousal as she spoke, not withdrawing from Cary so that her words played on his mouth in short, hot breaths.

"What?" His voice was barely a whisper as well and this time Kalinda did pull away from the almost kiss, a lonely coldness creeping onto the place at her waist where his hand had rested.

"Diane and Will are working on the Herrman case. I just met with them," she concluded and watched as Cary's shoulders dropped in that way that showed defeat.

"Right, how's that going?"

"Slow, but I'll bring home the win like I always do."

He looked at her then, a slow smile tugging at the corners of his lips; a smile which she returned, understanding his silent proposal and silently accepting it. Kalinda took a step forward and played with this tie, her fingers lightly brushing his shirt and unknown to her, creating concentrated circles of heat on the skin that lay just beneath the thin protection of fabric.

Without another word, she turned on her heel and walked out of the office, her hips swaying seductively in the unique gait that was granted her by the boots that had become her signature accessory. Cary watched Kalinda make her way toward the elevator as if under a spell until eventually he realized that she wasn't going to stop and wait for him. Hurrying after her, he managed to catch up just as she stepped into inside.

"You coming?" she asked, tugging at her lower lip with her teeth in a slow and infuriatingly sexy way.

"I just have to grab my coat, meet you downstairs," Cary answered and another charming smile flashed across his face as he stood back and watched the doors slide closed.

The elevator stopped in the parking garage with a distinctive ding and opened to reveal Kalinda leaning back with a silly grin on her face, her mind clearly somewhere else. It was only as the doors were sliding closed again that she broke from her daydream and quickly slipped through the shrinking gap.

The usual eerie silence of the place didn't bother Kalinda as she made her way to her car. Her mind was in Cary's office, with him and what had almost happened… and what was about to happen. It had been years since another man had been able to make her feel the way she did about Cary. After everything that happened with Nick and then Lana, Kalinda didn't think she would find the kind of refuge she believed she had with the young associate. He was everything she thought she didn't want and yet the attraction they shared was undeniable. Still, it wasn't just about the chemistry, she admitted to herself and deactivated the alarm to her car with a bleep that echoed throughout the garage.

What she had with Cary went beyond physical attraction. They were friends, she was comfortable with him, trusted him enough to feel safe. Her mind flitted back to a few nights ago when she let him take her into his arms after they had both reached a mind blowing climax. The feel of his strong embrace as he held her, the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath her cheek as he drifted off to sleep… she hadn't made a move to leave, which was usually what she would have done. For some reason, she couldn't think of any place she'd rather be. Those arms and the way she fit inside them felt like the most natural thing in the world and Kalinda knew that it would take some doing before she gave that up. No personal code or set of rules to safeguard her heart could stop what had been set in motion that night and for the first time in years, Kalinda didn't care. For the first time in years, Kalinda thought she might be happy.

It was a second or two before she became aware of the pain searing through her face and that it was because of its sudden and forcible connection with her car door that brought it on. Before Kalinda could peel herself from the glass she felt strong hands take hold of her shoulders and do the deed for her, spinning her around and slamming her back against the car. Her eyes struggled to find its way through the stars that were clouding her vision and just as a dark face swam into focus in front of her she felt the sting of a back hand slap that sent her head back into the window it had just vacated. Kalinda's tongue instinctively felt the spot on her lip that stung the most and the hot, acrid taste of her own blood pooled in her mouth.

"I know who you were talking to today," a deep voice growled at her and suddenly a picture floated up in her mind's eye.

She still couldn't focus that well but the sound of his voice and the distinctive smell of cigar smoke mixed with cheap whiskey hung heavily on him and jump started her memory.

"I thought I told you to call off your pack."

She lunged at him with all her strength, the sudden action catching him off guard and making him stumble back a few steps. Kalinda took the opportunity to swing out hard and her right hook connected with his jaw with blunt force that rang back up her arm. Her hand screaming with pain, she hurried to the trunk side where she knew her baseball bat was hidden. Her fingers fumbled on the latch though, thanks to the filmy layer of perspiration that coated them. She blinked quickly to clear her eyes of the tears that burned them and gave a short moan of elation as she heard the latch finally click open. Kalinda dove into the trunk and grabbed for the bat and as her fingers wrapped around the comforting wooden handle a pain like nothing she'd felt awakened in her back and she felt herself being pulled away from the car. She could barely feel her arms and legs, let alone hold on to the bat; the man had slammed the trunk door down on her.

He pressed her up against the closed trunk now, his face so close to hers the smell of cigars and whiskey now reeking and swimming down her throat, causing her stomach to swirl with nausea. His left forearm was across her throat, keeping her in place and his free hand took a few jabs at her exposed ribs that rid her lungs of the last breath they had. Kalinda tried lifting her knees to force him back but he was a big man and her efforts were futile.

"You were with them now, weren't you?" his voice came to her in a sick whisper. "Ran straight to mommy and daddy to tell them what you found." He pushed back with his forearm to tighten the chokehold and Kalinda gasped for air, her ears thumping with the sound of her own racing heart. "This is the last time I'm telling you, call it off. You don't want to mess with these people."

The stars that swam in her vision were getting bigger as Kalinda found it harder to breathe and her head felt thick and muffled. Her attempts to free herself from her attacker's grip had dwindled to feeble jerks as the last of the fight in her dissolved. All of a sudden her arms and legs felt as if they were weighted with lead and whatever resolve Kalinda had to stay standing was gone. It was now by the good grace of that thick and assaulting forearm that she was being kept from the ground and her line of sight was slowly being swallowed by a deep black shadow that she recognized as the beginning of her loss of consciousness.

"I will find you," the words found their way out of her parted lips in a ragged breath with barely a sound to them.

"I'd like to see you try," he whispered into her mouth and the smell of him made her stomach twist.

It was only after Kalinda had hit the ground that she realized the twisting in her stomach had not been nausea. The fingers of her one hand moved tentatively to her abdomen and suddenly stopped when the leather of her jacket suddenly went from smooth to slick and sticky and warm. _I will find you_, the thought played over and over in her head as the deep darkness that was threatening to take over finally won.

"I knew you'd be great in criminal defense," Will was saying to Cary just outside Diane's office.

He had seen the associate hurrying past and ran to stop him with a bottle of Champagne as congratulations on his win earlier that day. Cary politely made small talk with the named partner despite the fact that he felt like running away to get to Kalinda downstairs.

"Thanks, but it was a team effort," Cary replied. "Alicia and Kalinda were key to us getting the win."

"Yes but you were first chair for a reason and three million dollars later tells me we made the right choice," Will argued. "You have a great future here, Cary. Keep it up."

The pat on his shoulder from Will was the absolute cherry on the top of a cake that was turning out to be one of the best days ever. When the elevator doors closed on Cary he was on a high like he hadn't felt since his days in law school. It felt like his life was finally falling in to place. The career he had always wanted was now on a fast track after years of feeling like he was ramming his head against a brick wall no matter how hard he worked. Then there was Kalinda, who after all this time seemed to finally be opening up to him. She had been an unattainable goal for so long and now, tonight, Cary felt that the door was opened. Their friendship had always meant a lot to him and even though he knew that there was something more bubbling under the surface, he also knew that Kalinda was the type of woman who didn't react well to open advances of a romantic nature. That is why he had kept it on the back burner for so long, careful not to give away too much in fear of scaring her off. Tonight though, there was something different in the air between them, an acknowledgment of sorts; acceptance of the thing that had been growing between them and a surrender to its not going anywhere soon. Did he think that there was a future for them? Cary couldn't say, but he did know that he sure as hell didn't mind finding out.

The distinct eerie stillness of the parking garage felt heavier than usual when Cary stepped off the elevator. His eyes searched the area but didn't find Kalinda. He thought she'd wait for him, but wasn't surprised that she'd gotten a head start. All he had to do now was figure out if she went to her place or his. His hand went to his coat pocket to retrieve his phone so he could call her when his eyes fell on the top of her SUV that was still parked. For some reason a sense of foreboding crept up his spine that he couldn't explain. The parking garage always gave him the creeps but tonight it felt different. Worse. A slight frown had replaced the smile he didn't know he was still wearing as he made his way to her car that slowly came more and more into view.

There were no words to describe the instant feeling of nauseating terror that leapt into Cary's chest at the sight of Kalinda's motionless boot that lay peeking out from the far side of her car. He broke into a run and when he came to the point where she lay, the sight of her beaten body and the bed of blood it rested on made him physically sick. No ears bore witness to the smash of the bottle of Champagne as it struck the cold ground or to the desperate cry for help as Cary knelt to cradle the bloodied body of the woman he didn't know yet that he loved. Kalinda was nowhere near to the parking garage now but from some place far away she could hear the whisper of her name over and over and the familiar embrace of strong arms that had held her once before.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Coming out of the dimly lit garage, the bright cabin of the ambulance combined with too many voices and blaring sirens had awakened a growling headache that Cary was trying to keep at bay as he stumbled into the ER in a bid to keep up with the paramedics who were handing Kalinda over to the doctors on staff. He watched as the paramedics recited in hurried speech to a man in dark blue scrubs who nodded fiercely and then, along with two other doctors, wheeled the gurney carrying his friend and colleague out of view.

Cary came to a stand still in the middle of the admittance area, arms hanging limply at his sides, the general din of the emergency room dissolving into a monotone humming that drummed against his eardrums in painful rhythm with the hammering in his head. As the last of Kalinda disappeared down the white hallway, the rest of the environment blurred until every sight and sound became hazy and Cary was acutely aware of himself and the rolling mechanism of his own body – the slow, rhythmic breathing in his ears, the tingling at the tips of his fingers that was crawling up his arms like spiders in a web of veins pumped full of adrenalin. It was this wholly intrinsic state that made Cary jump a little at the sudden appearance of an ER nurse in front of him.

"Can you hear me?" she was saying and Cary blinked a few times to clear his head and focus on the young nurse in front of him. He noticed that she looked like she was fresh out of college, was probably given all the jobs that none of the more experienced staff wanted to do. "What's your name?"

"Cary," he replied then, his voice sounding like it was coming from someone standing next to him instead of from his own lips.

"Hi Cary, I'm Emma," the nurse said with a warm and sincere smile. There was more than sincerity in it though, something like pity.

One of the admitting nurses walked up to him and shoved a clipboard into his chest. Cary looked down and the print on the form swam slowly into focus. A pen appeared in his line of sight that must have come from the same nurse.

"You have to fill this out," a voice said that didn't belong to the young nurse who called herself Emma.

Cary nodded and made to take the pen but his hand froze in midair. He lifted the other one and held them side by side, inspecting them as if they were new additions to his body. They were both still covered in blood; Kalinda's blood that had now dried and left them stained a shade of red that made Cary's stomach turn. The breathing that was slow and rhythmic in his ears suddenly started to quicken and shallow out and the hands that were covered in Kalinda's blood started to shake.

"It's okay," he heard the friendlier of the two voices say. "I'll take him."

Then there were two clean, soft hands taking his, leading him away and Cary submitted to the gentle pull from the young ER nurse, the whole time focusing on her hands cradling his. When next he looked up he found himself in an empty exam room.

"I know it's scary," Emma said, her voice warm and friendly and not in the way that said she was trying too hard to be comforting, Cary noted. Looking into her eyes he could tell that she was being real. "But we're a level one trauma facility and Dr Grosche is one of the top three trauma surgeons in the city, top seven in the state. There's nobody else you would want standing over your friend right now. Here, change into these" she said, and placed a set of green scrubs on the hospital bed between them. "You can wash up over there." Cary turned in the direction she was pointing and saw a hand basin against the wall behind him. "Don't worry, the alcohol scrub gets it off." He followed the slight nod she gave in the direction of his hands and when he inspected them again, saw they weren't shaking anymore.

"He's number seven," Cary said, looking up at the nurse again.

"What?"

"You said top seven in the state, not top ten, which means he's number seven."

"Look, even he's number ten, he's the best one here and what counts is who's here, now," she responded evenly, keeping his gaze.

Cary noticed that he was a lot calmer than before he stepped into the exam room with Emma and suddenly felt grateful for her intervention.

"You're right," he conceded finally.

"I usually am," she said with a smile that he saw in her eyes as well as her face and Cary decided that she wasn't so bad. "There are some forms you need to fill out so when you're ready you can come over to the reception desk and I'll help you."

Before he could say anything, the nurse had disappeared from the room, closing the door behind her and leaving Cary alone for the first time. It suddenly felt as though she had taken that sense of calm he had just felt along with her because when he walked over to the basin to start washing his hands, an intense ball of anxiety started up in the pit of his stomach.

Using way too much scrub than was necessary, Cary started the process of washing his hands. His mind drew blank as he focused intently on the swirls of water that rinsed pink before disappearing down the drain. Emma was right, his hands looked clean after that first wash but they didn't feel clean to him, so he repeated the process a few more times. Each time, even though he knew it wasn't really true, the water rinsed a deeper and deeper pink with blood. Kalinda's blood. He started scrubbing more and more vigorously, beads of perspiration springing up on his forehead. Kalinda's blood. Still the water turned a deeper and deeper pink. Still Cary scrubbed until his skin started to burn and tingle.

Looking up into the mirror above the basin, he saw himself for the first time. His tie hanging sadly around his neck, the front of his shirt covered in… (Kalinda's blood). A horror stricken sob escaped him then and Cary stumbled back from the basin, hurriedly clawing at his shirt in an effort to get the soaked reminder of his friend's condition from his clammy body. His fingers fumbled with the first few buttons and then, giving in to the anxiety that was slowly climbing from the pit of his stomach and seeping into every part of him, Cary ripped the rest of the buttons with a growl and discarded the bloodied shirt in a sorry pile at his feet.

Breathing heavily he leaned on the bed in front of him, trying to catch his racing mind, trying to still the rising terror. He closed his eyes and willed himself a few hours back in time, willed himself to the point before everything went horribly wrong. (Am I interrupting?) Her dark eyes, her soft smile. (Do you want me to go?) No, he mouthed the word. (Do you want me to go?) No, he said out loud this time, eyes still closed, still back in his office with Kalinda. Kalinda who was fine. Kalinda who wanted him to come home with her. Circles of heat started up on his chest where her fingers had lightly brushed against him. (You coming?) Cary forced his eyes open with urgency. That was where he wanted to stop. That was where he had to end it.

He felt his mind tugging at him, coaxing him off the elevator and into the parking garage. He shook his head and grabbed at the green scrubs; distraction was going to save him. Now he could see the top of her SUV. He shrugged on the crisp shirt and started undoing his pants. They didn't look as bad as his shirt with stains at his knees where he had gone down to… and there it was. Kalinda's blood. There she was. Lying lifeless and broken. Cary bit his lips together to stop the horrific moan that was trying to fight its way out and climbed into the clean pants. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he pushed himself back, back a few hours in time, willing himself to the point before everything went horribly wrong. (Am I interrupting?)

SilkSilkSilkSilk

What do you mean she was attacked? Is she okay? Where are you? Alicia's voice had reverberated with the same fear that had made its home in Cary. He made the call knowing that she would be alarmed but also knew that she had to be told. Kalinda prided herself on being the type of person who didn't need anyone but if she had to name one friend she had in this whole world, Alicia would be it. She arrived at the hospital less than fifteen minutes after that call, looking harried and pale. Her eyes searched the waiting area looking for Cary but couldn't find him. In exasperation, she grabbed at the first nurse walking by.

"Can you please help me? My friend was brought in a while ago. She was attacked, stabbed I think and-"

"Who's your friend?" the nurse asked impatiently.

"Kalinda Sharma. She came in with Cary Agos?" Alicia checked the nurse's face for any sign of recognition or acknowledgement but didn't get it. "He's blonde, uh, this high…he could've been wearing a suit!" she started describing her colleague to the nurse, speaking fast and scaring her a little.

"I'm sorry, I don't know your friend."

Alicia looked up to scan the area again, biting at her bottom lip. She hated hospitals. She hated dealing with people in hospitals, mainly because it often required a level of patience that she was generally in short supply of. That was true more now than ever.

"Hey," a familiar voice spoke behind her and Alicia spun around to find Cary. She was so glad to see him she didn't even notice the nurse she had just spoken to was no longer standing there.

"Oh my god, Cary, what happened? Have you heard anything?"

"She's still in surgery. I asked one of the nurses for an update but I'm still waiting."

"What are you wearing?" Alicia asked, noticing his hospital scrubs for the first time.

Cary met her gaze with tightly pursed lips and hoped that his face explained an answer to her question because he couldn't find the words to say it out loud. Not after his efforts to forget everything that brought them to that point. She read the look in his eyes easily and took a staggering step back as if the weight of her realization hit her with a physical force.

"Oh god," she whispered, her hand moving as if by reflex to cover her mouth.

"Cary."

"Emma, hey, how is she?" Cary asked, turning to the friendly ER nurse who had helped him earlier.

"I spoke to one of the theater nurses," Emma said and then stopped when she noticed Alicia.

"It's okay," Cary assured her, "she's a friend."

"Alicia Florrick," Emma nodded, instantly recognizing Alicia. "So you're from that law firm… Flockhart-"

"Lockhart Gardner, yes. You were saying?" Cary interrupted, anxious to get news on Kalinda's condition.

"Yes, she – Kalinda - lost quite a bit of blood so they started an emergency transfusion but she was already going into shock."

"What does that mean?" Alicia took the words out of Cary's mouth as they both bared down on the nurse now, wishing she would rush to the part where, hopefully, she would tell them that Kalinda was fine.

"The trauma to her body was excessive, there was a lot of internal bleeding and her liver was perforated. They had to resuscitate her…twice."

"Jesus," Cary said and turned away, running his hands through his hair.

"She's back though," Emma said, touching his arm so he would face her again. "The nurse said that the CPR administered on the scene is what saved her life. With that amount of blood loss, it kept oxygen going to the vital organs. She's been stable for the past twelve minutes and Dr Grosche is pretty much finished repairing the bleeds. Your friend's going to be fine," she ended.

Alicia let out the deep breath she didn't realize she had been holding that whole time and moved to put her hand on Cary's shoulder, who also exhaled a heavy sigh of relief. His mind backtracked to the parking garage, when he had watched the life drain from Kalinda; his urgent attempts to bring her back, how his mouth clumsily covered hers while each breath he gave her became a silent prayer for life to be restored.

"Thank you," he managed to say before his legs gave in and he sank down in the nearest chair.

"You're welcome. After the surgery she'll be moved to recovery until she wakes up and then they'll most likely transfer her to ICU. I'll find out when you can go see her."

Cary nodded his appreciation this time, again failing to find words and watched as Emma turned and disappeared into the organized chaos of the ER. Alicia pulled up a chair next to him, not lifting her hand from his shoulder and once she was seated, shifted her arm across his entire back. Cary accepted the blatant act of comfort and waited for the last of his anxiety to fade as the news he had been hoping to hear and then finally did took root in his mind. Kalinda was okay. She was gone but she came back and now she was okay.

SilkSilkSilkSilk

A/N: Thanks to all those who read, reviewed and followed I know it's been a bit of a wait but chapters should be coming hard and fast now. Stick with me, I promise it'll be worth it. Hit the review button and let me know what you think - if you hate it, love it, feel like screaming, crying, laughing, doing the hokey pokey… I want to know it all!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When she first opened her eyes it felt like she was looking through a heavy haze. Kalinda waited for the room to come in to focus in front of her, afraid to move. Well, even if she wanted to, she didn't think she would accomplish much; her entire body felt as though it was weighted down with lead and there was a numb, tingling sensation in her abdomen. A dull ache hung in seemingly every muscle, not anything to cause too much discomfort but it had enough of a presence for Kalinda to know that the only thing keeping that discomfort at bay was a strong pain killer and she instantly started dreading the moment when the drugs would wear off.

As if it had been biding its time, waiting for Kalinda to become aware of her condition and more importantly, her pain, memories of the attack flooded her mind's eye in broken, haphazard flashes. The thick forearm crushing her neck, a sickening smell of cheap whiskey and cigars… Cary (I couldn't have done it without you). Faces came in and out of focus in her mind's eye and she grasped at splinters of a memory that must have been her in the back of an ambulance. Then Cary's face; he was there too. No, not his face, it was his hands. She hadn't seen them, but felt them; tightly holding onto hers in a wordless plea (Don't let go).

Kalinda saw the room with new eyes, everything now crystal clear, as if the clarity of her mind helped her vision along. A purpose was born in that moment; the purpose to find the man who did this to her and make him pay. The resolve for revenge awakened something in her and Kalinda tried to sit. The act took more effort than she had to give though and she quickly collapsed back on to the pillows completely drained; the numb tingling in her middle transforming into a more acute kind of pain. The moment was here, she thought wearily, the pain killers were wearing off.

Her eyes found a dark shape in the corner, nestled in an armchair asleep. Will. Scanning the room she saw every available flat surface covered with fruit baskets, balloons, flowers, basically every cheesy item available at a hospital gift shop. She lingered on a regulation test dummy often used by cops as it stood propped upright at the door. It had a target sheet plastered onto its front with the words "K, quit being a sissy and get your ass back to work" written on it. The bottom of the sheet was signed simply "CPD". A small smile broke onto Kalinda's face; the guys at the Chicago Police Department were always good for a laugh.

"Hey, you're awake," Will said, his voice still thick with sleep.

"Hey, you're awake," she replied playfully, and suddenly realized that she was grateful she wasn't alone.

Kalinda had been on her own more often than not since coming to Chicago to start a new life and she silently cursed no one in particular that it should even matter that someone was there when she woke up. She tried to think of the moment when it all changed, when having "people" became important to her and rationalized that working closely with someone often forced the situation. Yes, she hadn't chosen Alicia or Will as a friend so much as circumstances demanded it and the same went for Cary.

Cary.

A sudden pang of something that felt like missing someone stole across her heart and Kalinda knew that she was kidding herself. She was failing hopelessly at the loner type of lifestyle she had envisioned for herself - having no people meant no responsibilities, no disappointments, no hurt. She had learned the hard way that choosing to make yourself vulnerable meant doing it entirely; you couldn't be vulnerable to one person and impervious to another. You entire defense was weakened. Perhaps on different levels but still weakened and look where that had gotten her. If her thoughts had not been on Cary Agos that night would she have been able to sidestep the horror that had been waiting for her in the parking garage? Kalinda looked up to find Will watching her closely, eyes heavy with concern that made her shift uncomfortably under his gaze. She wasn't used to being on the receiving end of sympathy. It didn't feel right.

"How're you feeling?"

"What happened with the Herrman case?" she asked quickly, eager to avoid being the center of attention.

"What? That's not important. What's important right now is how you're feeling."

"I feel fine. What happened with the case?" Kalinda persisted in her usual way.

Will shook his head and chuckled softly. There really was no keeping her down. She was as stubborn as they come, which was part of what made her as brilliant as she was.

"We told Zach Herrman we knew about his gang ties, the information you brought us was solid. He agreed to settle, even though the prosecution didn't like the idea."

"Speaking of the prosecution-"

"Kalinda, come on, let's not do this now. You need to rest."

"I told you I'm fine."

"You're not fine," Will said sternly but keeping his voice low. "You spent two days in ICU, barely waking up and when you did you were completely out of it. They moved you here yesterday. We've been taking turns sitting with you and-"

"We?"

"Me, Alicia, Duane…"

"Duane?"

"The 24-hr bodyguard your cop friends set outside your door," Will replied with a grin, he knew that Kalinda wouldn't like that idea and tried to tell them that much but they wouldn't have any of it.

"That's not necessary," she replied, as Will knew she would.

"I know, but look around," Will said, motioning to the room filled with gifts, "there are a lot of people who care about you. I guess they just want to be careful until they're sure the threat's been taken care of."

"There is no threat," Kalinda replied stubbornly.

"Yeah? Let me punch you in the gut and then you tell me that again."

Kalinda turned her head from him, the only way she could show that she didn't like what he was saying. She felt weak and hated it; having control of her life wrested from her was something that made her sick to her stomach, reminded her of a time when she was still being governed by the paralyzing fears and insecurities of Leela Tahiri.

"He's a small time thug," she said eventually into the silence that had grown between them.

"How do you know?" Will asked, knowing that she was now speaking of her attacker.

"I could smell it," she replied, the sound of rising tears in her voice catching them both by surprise. Cigars… cheap whiskey… "I'm pretty sure it wasn't Zach Herrman but his lowlife lawyer who called him up."

"Okay," Will said contemplatively, "what do you need me to do?"

"Nothing," Kalinda said quickly, turning to look at him again. "I'll take care of it."

"Kalinda, there's already an open investigation. You can't-"

"I'll get to him before they do."

"And do what? You almost died the last time you ran into this guy-"

"This time will be different."

"Listen to me, you have resources, I suggest you use them. If you want to keep this off the books then I'm on board."

"What do you mean?" she asked, surprised at what Will was suggesting.

"I mean, I get if you don't want the cops involved. You can do it your way, but you don't have to do it alone." Will's voice was filled with sincerity as he spoke.

Kalinda always had his back and he knew that she often went to lengths that blurred the lines of the law in her efforts to help him. He was prepared to do the same for her; after everything's she had done for him, turning a blind eye would be easy.

SilkSilkSilkSilk

"I still think this is a bad idea," Alicia was saying as she grabbed a hold of Kalinda's hand, helping her to swing her legs over the side of the bed.

"Thanks for the update," Kalinda responded, her face a grimace of pain, "but you can go ahead and keep those to yourself." She leaned forward, letting her weight use gravity to get her onto the ground by slIding off the edge of the bed, holding tightly onto the hand her friend had offered, her toes gingerly reaching out, looking for the point when they would meet the floor and be required to hold her body upright.

"You can barely walk," Alicia persisted, now using her entire left side to steady Kalinda as she tried to stand.

"Barely's all the walk I need," she replied.

"Checking out against medical advice is too risky in your condition. I spoke to your doctor and even Cary said-"

"Yeah well Cary's not here, is he? He hasn't been here," Kalinda said, immediately ashamed of the tone of disappointment her voice took on.

Alicia had dropped by a day ago and although she didn't want to, Kalinda had asked about Cary. She had been visited by guys from the police department, Diane, Will, even Robyn spent a few awkward minutes with her since the time she woke up. Cary was conspicuously absent in all of that and when she asked about it, she didn't really like the reason…

Apparently Diane was reeling to land a new client based in DC but who was thinking of moving to Chicago. She was young, beautiful, newly rich, newly divorced and was looking for new representation. It was rumored that she had been looking at property in Chicago but also Manhattan so it was Diane's brainwave to send Cary to woo her and lead her toward settling in Chicago, making Lockhart Gardener's chances of getting her retainer that much more likely. Kalinda knew what made Cary the obvious choice for the job, he was a good lawyer but more importantly, he had a way with women and if anyone was going to charm upward of two hundred million dollars' worth of business into the firm's account it would be him. What bothered her (and the fact that she was bothered by it also bothered her) was that she didn't like the idea. Cary off in DC with another women, no matter how professional the smokescreen, when he should be - where exactly? With her? Her train of thought caught her off guard and Kalinda shook her head as if to rid her mind of the preposterous notion that she wanted Cary with her.

"He didn't want to go," Alicia offered, even though she knew it wouldn't do much to help the situation.

"You can let go now," Kalinda said, her steely expression offering a warning to Alicia to stop the course of debate she was currently on. "In here?" she then asked, turning to the overnight bag on the bed when Alicia finally let go.

Her friend nodded, her lips tightly pursed in a physical effort to keep from arguing against Kalinda leaving the hospital in her condition. Alicia watched as she started rifling through the bag, pulling out items of clothing.

"What are these?" Kalinda asked, trying to stifle a laugh as she held up a pair of flat pumps for Alicia to see.

"You don't own a single pair of flats," Alicia said. "I couldn't picture you walking out here in stiletto boots so I picked those up on my way over."

Kalinda chuckled softly at the puzzlement in Alicia's voice at the prospect of her not having flat shoes. When she was home she was quite comfortable walking around barefoot and outdoors she wouldn't be caught dead without her heels; it never occurred to her to spend money on something that she wouldn't wear.

"Do you mind?" she asked, turning her back to Alicia. "It hurts to take my arms that far back."

Alicia complied diligently, gently undoing the three sets of ties on the back of Kalinda's hospital gown. The flimsy fabric fell free easily, and Alicia found herself staring at the soft, brown skin of Kalinda's back. Her eyes followed the line of her spine and her breath caught audibly in her throat when she came across the garish blue green bruise that ran across her back, horrifically marking a division of halves just above her waist where the door of her trunk had slammed down on her.

"It looks worse than it feels," Kalinda said to Alicia's reaction, shrugging the gown from her shoulders with care, every movement of her arms meeting with a sharp ache thanks to her bruised ribs.

She was covered in bruises, her neck, arms... and although she couldn't see it, Kalinda felt the aching presence of the one across her back, even had a sickeningly fresh recollection of how it got there. She tried not to dwell on that though, instead the past few days of lying trapped in a hospital room, she had used her pain to feed the building urgency to set things right. Her doctor might not think that she was fit to leave but Kalinda knew that every minute her attacker was out there while she was holed up in hospital was precious time lost. She'd will herself better, had done many times before. Kalinda Sharma was no stranger to pain, physical or otherwise, and she had a lifetime of experience in overcoming the bleakest of situations.

Keeping her naked back to Alicia, Kalinda moved to put on the shirt her friend had packed. She noticed that Alicia had brought along comfortable loose-fitting clothes that would be easy to get in and out of, obviously thinking of Kalinda's current condition and most likely what prompted her to buy the pair of flats as well. Even with the simplicity of the clothes, Kalinda found herself having to grudgingly give in and let Alicia help her get her shirt on; her arms would only lift to a certain height before the strain screamed through her bruised ribs and freshly cut middle.

"Still think you can do this on your own?" Alicia asked once the effort of getting Kalinda dressed was finally over. Her question was met with another warning look from Kalinda to drop it but she pressed on, "You're going to need help. I'll obviously check in on you but between work and home I don't-"

"I can take care of myself, Alicia."

"Kalinda-"

"I just have to sign the release papers and then we can go, okay?" Alicia nodded slowly, knowing that there was no point in arguing further. Once Kalinda had her mind made up there was no changing it. "Grab the bag," she said and started taking small, difficult steps toward the door. Alicia obliged and followed closely behind, ready to act as a safety net in the off chance that Kalinda's legs should fail her. "Oh, I want Kevin too," Kalinda said over her shoulder.

"Kevin?" Alicia asked, confused but realization quickly dawned when she followed Kalinda's pointed finger to the test dummy propped up against the wall. "I'll get Duane to bring him to the car," she said and softly closed the door behind her, feeling like she was about to be an accessory to a huge mistake.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks again to all of you for the great reviews and more importantly, the enthusiasm! It's great to know that I'm not alone in my crazy love for this pairing, even if the writers insist on killing me (what was up with that finale?!) Sorry for the long wait with this one, it was hard to get the balance of character just right and this is a big chapter so I really didn't want to screw it up. So after quite a few rewrites (and crying into my pillow) I think I got it… I'm sure you'll let me know.

Chapter 4

"You let her leave? Just like that?" Cary asked indignantly, pacing the floor in Alicia's office while the newly anointed equity partner followed him with her eyes like she was watching a tennis match. "AMA… you let her check out against. medical. advice."

"Let her?" Alicia broke in, now getting upset as well. "Have you ever tried getting Kalinda to do something she didn't want to? It was either help her or let her do it alone, which she's in no condition to do."

Cary stopped pacing and took a deep, steadying breath. He knew that Alicia had a point; Kalinda was the most stubborn person he knew and if she had made up her mind to check out of hospital there wasn't anyone who could make her stay.

"Have you seen her today? Is she okay?" he asked, his tone suddenly changing from outright frustration to concern.

"No, I'm not doing this anymore," Alicia said sternly as she rose from her desk to start packing her bag. "First of all, it's 7:30 in the morning, when was I supposed to have seen her? And secondly, why don't you see for yourself how she's doing?" She looked up at him then, clearly irritated. "You hound me at every turn and even had that ER nurse calling you every few hours with updates. Am I missing something, Cary?"

"There's nothing to miss," he answered, a little too stilted. "I was in DC and-"

"You've been back for almost two days and before that? Before DC, why didn't you see her then? Or call for that matter, did you lose her number?"

Cary swallowed hard; he felt like he was being reprimanded by his mother and didn't like it but what he liked less was the terrible feeling of guilt that suddenly filled him up. He had been avoiding going to see Kalinda in hospital but tried to explain it away with work and other equally important engagements that couldn't be cancelled. He had volunteered for the trip to Washington; jumped at the chance to leave when he heard Diane talking about the prospective new client. The wooing, the meetings – they were all his doing. It was something concrete that would take him away from having to lie his way out of going to the hospital.

After leaving Kalinda the night of the assault, after getting home in scrubs and finding blood stains on his arms that he had missed when washing up, after not being able to sleep because every time he closed his eyes she was there, so small and beaten and lifeless… He didn't want to see her. He knew what she would look like – hooked up to pipes, weak and in pain – and Cary couldn't see himself dealing with another unwanted image of Kalinda to haunt his every waking moment. Memories of that night were much too much already; holding her, fighting for her when she couldn't fight for herself, her still warm lips on his as he breathed for her, willing her to wake up…

"Cary!" Alicia's voice brought him back to the office his mind had fled. "What the hell's going on?"

He was still trying to formulate a response when Diane poked her head in at the door and seemingly oblivious to the tension that had mounted seconds ago between Cary and Alicia, motioned at the former with her head for him to follow her. She smiled a quick greeting at Alicia and then disappeared as suddenly as she had appeared.

"Look, I don't know what's going on but you need to grow up. I explained to Kalinda that I'll try my best to check in on her whenever I can but it would help if I could count on you to be there too. You're as much a friend to her as I am," she ended, hoping that she was getting through to him. All Cary could do in response was to nod as he made his way to the door.

"I have to go."

"Cary," he turned at Alicia's call, "I think she wants to see you. She seemed disappointed that you hadn't been to visit her and I think it would mean a lot if-"

"I'll visit," he interrupted in a bid to get Alicia to stop and started to leave again.

"I'm in court all day," she said to his back, which made him turn back around.

Once again, all Cary did was nod his acknowledgment before hastily leaving, afraid that she might say something more. His feet carried him hurriedly toward Diane's office but his head was nowhere near Lockhart Gardner. Kalinda shouldn't be alone, she shouldn't be out of hospital for that matter. Cary had been in close contact with Emma since the night of Kalinda's admission so he knew better than anyone, besides her doctor of course, that she had no business checking out when she did. What made matters worse was the other thing Cary knew better than anyone, he was no good at taking care of people and Alicia had basically named him her second in command when it came to helping Kalinda with her recovery. DC was over and he had a new case but the motions would only be heard in the coming week. That left him with four whole days stretched before him during which he most likely would have to suck it up and go see her.

"I thought you said all we have to do is wait for her call?" Diane's voice fetched him from his thoughts and Cary realized he was already in her office. "Please close the door." He obeyed before taking up his original spot in front of her desk.

"Things looked good, yes," he responded then.

"And has she called you?"

"Not yet," Cary answered slowly, picking up a tone of slight irritation from Diane.

"Not yet," she echoed patronizingly, "and yet I just heard that she flew in last night and is meeting with firms through the day. You know what my next question is going to be."

"Yes, but I can't-"

"Cary, you understand that landing this account would do more than pave your way to partnership. That's what you want, isn't it?" Cary didn't respond immediately. If Diane knew anything about his plans to leave the firm she would never have entrusted him with her 200 million dollar baby. "I don't think I have to tell you that the firm would look kindly upon the associate who brought in a client like this."

"No, you don't have to tell me," Cary said, and she also didn't have to tell him that he would be well within his rights to take that client with him when he left.

"Good, then I also don't have to tell you-" Diane's statement was cut short by Cary's phone as it started ringing.

"Cary Agos," he answered. "Yes, I heard she was in town," he said into the phone and looked to Diane, who instantly became interested in the call, realizing that it was about the client they were just speaking of. "She said that? Okay, eight is fine," Cary concluded and returned his phone to his inside breast pocket, surveying Diane with an unabashed air of victory.

"Eight?"

"She wants to have dinner, saving the best for last. Her words," he said with a cocky smile.

"Then I suppose this is the part where I apologize for doubting your ability."

"That's okay," Cary said as he rose to leave, "there are quite a few people who don't know what I'm capable of…until they know what I'm capable of," he ended with another of his dashing smiles, knowing that she was completely unaware of the true meaning of his words and happy to leave her in the dark, if only for a little while longer.

Walking out of Diane's office was like shifting worlds for Cary whose thoughts of Amanda Grearson and her money were instantly replaced with more pressing thoughts of Kalinda. He felt for a second as if her were really two people, living two separate lives; in one he was an up and coming lawyer establishing his career and in the other he was consumed by everything Kalinda Sharma.

Cary came to a standstill in front of the open elevator and watched the doors slowly shut in front of him. He knew that this was it; he would have to go see her. One of the fourth year associates came to a stop beside him and pressed the button, offering no more than a nod of acknowledgment in his direction. The elevator doors opened again and the associate stepped inside, holding his hand at the door as he waited for Cary to join him but he shook his head and watched as the doors slid tightly shut again. If this was in fact it, then he would have to prepare himself. He might not be good at taking care of people but he could learn. His phone was out of his pocket and dialing Emma's number the second he made the decision and when the elevator doors next opened, Cary finally stepped inside.

SilkSilkSilkSilk

Kalinda was pulled from her drugged sleep by the distinct smell of bacon and the sound of a blender screaming to life in her kitchen. After taking a few seconds to find her bearings, she slowly rolled out of bed to investigate. It was only when she was in the middle of her front room that the cloudy-head feeling left behind from the meds started to lift. Her feet stopped working as soon as she realized she was staring at a back that didn't belong to Alicia, who Kalinda assumed had let herself in to get breakfast going.

As if sensing her unwavering gaze on his back, Cary turned around and almost mirrored Kalinda's frozen position; the two friends looking like each was surprised to see the other. They stood that way for a while, bacon sizzling and blender still screaming, until Kalinda spoke. Or at least, that's what it looked like to Cary because he only saw her mouth moving. Becoming suddenly aware of the noise drowning out every other sound in the apartment, he quickly turned off the appliance and looked back up at her.

"Hey," she said again, feeling vulnerable and hating herself for it.

"Hey," Cary echoed. "How're you feeling?" He noticed that he was actually holding on to the counter in front of him to keep his feet from leading him towards her.

"Better, I can dress myself now," Kalinda said in an attempt to cut through the obvious awkwardness that had settled over them like a heavy blanket.

"What's with the dummy?" Cary asked, realizing her intent and following through with it.

That's Horace. He's shy."

She noticed Cary relax visibly as he chuckled softly to himself and only then did she make her way towards him. Kalinda was suddenly grateful for the immense bulk of her kitchen counter that served as a barrier because she knew that in her current state, if it weren't there she'd most likely just keep walking until her face found his broad chest. The voice in her head chose that moment to make her aware of the fact that in her current state, she'd most likely want a whole lot more than just his chest.

"And the pain?" Cary asked.

"I'm medicating," she replied simply.

"Sleep?"

"I'm medicating," she said again and this time her voice was heavier, the implication of which was not lost on Cary, who hadn't had a peaceful night's sleep since the incident either.

"I wish I'd thought of that," he said quietly and could tell by the look on her face that she understood that nightfall brought him the same horrors it did her.

"Alicia gave you my key?"

"She's in court all day," he replied.

An easy silence fell over them then as Cary busied himself with some fruit he'd been preparing, Kalinda looking on patiently, the awkward tension of a few moments before no longer there. A sense of relief washed over her; that's how it had always been with them, the effortless shift from whatever problem into what could only be described as a kind of kinship. She was never one to define relationships but didn't doubt that she could have if need be. In this case though, try as she might, Kalinda could not describe or explain the connection she felt with Cary. It was just there, as if it was its own living, breathing thing and they were unknowing pawns in its mysterious quest. Whatever the reason, she was glad for it and especially so in that moment because god knew she didn't have the strength to soldier through discomfited small talk. With everything else that had become unpredictable and unreliable in her life, Kalinda was thankful that she could depend on Cary to be her constant.

She watched as he poured the orange colored goop from the blender into a tall glass, taking a moment to wipe up the mess tracking down its sides before sliding it wordlessly over to her side of the counter. He then turned to get the bacon from the pan, skillfully scooping up all the rashers with one swipe of the spatula and dropping them into the waiting tray behind him.

The sight and smell of the crispy strips of bacon made Kalinda's stomach growl and she felt seriously hungry for the first time in days. She reached out to grab a piece when Cary, who was arranging the freshly cut fruit in a plate, silently moved the bacon a few inches to the left, just out of her reach. She aimed a practiced scowl in his direction before realizing that he wasn't even looking up from his current task and so she made another attempt. This time he lifted the tray and placed it entirely out of her reach on the other side of the counter and pushed the smoothie closer to her instead.

"That's yours," he said before slowly peeling the seal off a tub of yoghurt, keeping his gaze on her the whole time, as if enjoying being the cause of her irritation.

"And whose is that?" Kalinda asked, motioning toward the bacon.

"That's for the person not recovering from invasive surgery. You have to eat healthy, keep your energy levels up. You also have to walk a lot because of the-"

"Transfusion, I know, it prevents blood clots. I read WebMD too," she finished with a smile, the first one her face had felt in more than a week and Kalinda realized that she was happy to see him, a thought that instantly started a raging battle of emotions.

"Do you remember what happened?" Cary asked after a long enough silence signaled the change in mood, his somber tone giving no sign that just moments ago it was light and playful.

"Bits and pieces," Kalinda responded. "I remember him…and you," her voice softened at the last, surprising both of them.

Yes, she was haunted by the events of the attack but what Kalinda had no intention of telling anyone was that her sleep was not always riddled with nightmares; there were good nights as well, nights when it was Cary's face she saw, his hands she felt. Those were the times she woke up thankful for the drugs that kept her asleep because in that time they also kept him with her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" his voice drifted into her reverie.

"No."

"Can I talk about it?"

"No."

"I should have come to see you," Cary said softly, his voice full of the apology he wanted to give but knew she wouldn't accept outright.

"You were in DC, I know, Alicia told me."

"No, I mean yes partly that, but-"

"Cary, it's okay."

"No it's not okay," he persisted, needing to get out what he was trying to say in a way that was almost urgent. "I was holding you…" the sudden thickness of his voice and the way he was inspecting a grape too closely to be considered normal alerted Kalinda to the fact that he was about to say something she wasn't ready to hear. She was utterly unprepared and unqualified to deal with blatant displays of deep emotion and as if by default, her defenses started going up.

"When you stopped…," Cary continued, unaware of the shift in Kalinda, "I was holding you. One second you were there and the next… I've never been more scared in my life."

"And that's why you didn't come to the hospital?"

"I couldn't get that picture out of my head, Kalinda, I still can't."

"I'm sure you're expecting some kind of sympathy from me," Kalinda said, her voice suddenly marking her retreat in that cold tone that Cary had come to dread during their interactions. "But you're standing there looking pained and all torn up inside when this is something that happened to me. While you were there being scared, I was there dying."

"I wasn't trying to take away from-"

"Just, stop."

"I was trying to explain why I didn't-"

"You don't owe me an explanation. You saved my life so actually I'm the one that owes you."

"Don't do that," Cary said, his tone now hardening in defense. "Don't make it sound like a transaction."

"Look, I said don't talk about it, I don't want to talk about what happened."

"I'm not talking about what happened," Cary argued, the warmhearted banter of breakfast now fading into a distant memory, "I'm talking about us."

"There is no us." The words left her mouth before she could check herself and Kalinda instantly regretted every one of them deeply.

That phrase had followed her for years. It was a fallback she often used when she was looking for a way out of something that was starting to feel like a relationship. It didn't even matter whether it was true or not, what mattered was that it always worked. It pushed the person away and Kalinda would be free of the mess. This time though, this time she hadn't wanted to say it. This time it was less true than ever. Her brain scrambled to figure out how things got turned on its head so quickly; everything was perfectly fine, until it wasn't… Kalinda looked on helplessly as Cary withdrew, his eyes growing blank and cold and she held his gaze, stubbornly fighting the urge to take it back. I didn't mean it, she wanted to say but didn't. I'm sorry, the words jumped from her heart to leave her lips, but her fear of opening up and just plain stubbornness made sure they weren't said either.

Without another word or backward glance, Cary went over to the lounger that held his coat and shrugged it on. His hand froze on the door handle as he was about to leave and Kalinda watched his back intently, wondering if he would turn around, afraid to draw another breath even though it hurt her to hold it in. Say something, she willed from her place at the counter, the stubbornness that forbade her speak now holding her feet steadfast so that she couldn't go after him.

"Cary," her voice broke out of its prison without having any real plan of what to say next. He slowly turned to face her and the unchecked hurt in his eyes caught Kalinda so off guard that the doggedness she'd spent years perfecting got the upper hand over the truer, more emotive voice in her head and she said the only thing she could in that moment…"You can leave the key."

His eyes that were full of hurt now drew cold again as Cary retrieved the silver symbol of Kalinda's trust from his coat pocket and placed it on the counter, his hand hovering next to hers as if it was contemplating a plan of its own, a plan that involved the slightest of touches. As if sensing his hesitation, Kalinda took a step back to increase the distance between them, taking her hands with her. There could be no room for error now, she thought. Then something happened that was not supposed to, in all her years of recluse and perfecting the delicate art of Arm's Length Kalinda could not anticipate or explain what happened next.

"I'm glad you're okay," Cary said, his eyes studying her face like they always did and then he was walking over to her and Kalinda felt every muscle in her body tense up. "Feel better," were the simple words he whispered as he bent to place the gentlest of kisses on her forehead, his hand going through with its plan from earlier and taking that moment to grasp a hold of hers, squeezing softly.

Kalinda watched as he turned to leave again, her head reeling with what had just happened, her hand instantly feeling the absence of his and for some reason, missing it. She was still trying to decide whether she should call him back or not when the click of the door on Cary's disappearing frame, barely audible but pounding like a gavel in a courtroom to Kalinda's ears, finalized his exit.


End file.
